I’ve been single about 5 years now, but trust me it wasn’t on purpose and neither were the lessons I learned along the way.
I get asked a lot, “How are you still single?,” and I always reply with “Oh! I’m just crazy!” and I’m not, but life never failed to get in the way.
I was 2 months pregnant when my Ex and I broke up, then it was because of lack and time, then it was my job, then it was my mental health and the LAST BUT NOT LEAST 2020 Coronavirus Quarantine.
And not to judge, in fact, I’m a little jealous of the girl that can jump from one relationship to another. They don’t seem to dwell on the past and just embrace the present, but I just can’t do that. It is simply just not how I am wired.
In my last post, ‘5 Red Flags to Avoid When Dating‘, I talked about Toxic Relationships. And the Red Flags I was able to pick up before it got too far. Now, I’m going to talk about the lessons I learned from those relationships and from being single.
Table of Contents
Lesson 1: Find Yourself Again
Sometimes when we’re in a relationship we forget how much it really took over our life.
We lose time or interest in our hobbies because of the time we’re investing on our relationship, causing us to lose ourselves.
So now, take some time for yourself and to remember who you are.
Take some time to dress yourself up FOR YOURSELF.
Pick up some hobbies or restart ones that you lost time for.
Reconnect with some old friends. Go out and do things that your relationship may have held you back from. (I.E. Dying or cutting your hair).
And make sure you’re doing it for yourself, NOT to get revenge or get them back.
Some Hobby Ideas
Learn to Dance or Shuffle
Pick up Painting
Start your own business
DIY Your Place for a New VIBE
Take a self-defense class
Girls Day/ Night Ideas
Hiking (ALWAYS go in packs)
Painting with a Twist
Vacation! (STAYCATION for the pandemic)
Night Out in City
Harry Potter Movie Marathon
Restoring Mental Health
Journal for your mental health (Blog Post Coming Soon!)
However, in the meantime DailyOM has an affordable course for ‘Uncovering Your Authentic Self’ and I am loving it so far! Great way to start out 2021!
Some other ideas could be…
exercising/walk around the neighborhood
Listen to uplifting music
Lesson 2: Self Care
Similar to ‘Find Yourself Again,’ you are doing this for yourself.
Taking care of what you may or may have slacked in while you were in your relationship.
May it be haircare, skincare or nails. This area in particular is what I personally struggled in. Both during and after the relationship. I got too comfortable and afterward I had become so laid back I didn’t even know what self care looked like.
Your self care might look like meditation without video games in the background,
Sleeping in without someone poking you in the back.
Basically anything you now have the time and money for.
Take some time at the end of the day for a long bath. Put on some soft music. Add in some bubbles or a bath bomb. You could also take it step further if you miss your ex in only a particular area and ‘Take care of it yourself.’
Whatever your method of self -care is just be sure it’s relaxing and truly stress free. Unplug and rewind from life.
Ready to Date Again
Lesson 3: Reflect on Your Last Relationship
It’s hard to think about sometimes, but it’s important to think about where you went wrong also. What?! But it’s THEIR fault! And even if it is, because they cheated or were abusive, doesn’t mean there aren’t lessons to be learned.
For me, personally, something I try to keep in mind is trying to learn about their hobbies. What do they like? Why do they like it? Are there events you can join them in? ETC… I learned because I was never interested in my ex’s Car stuff and it ended up backfiring on me because then he didn’t care about my hobbies or interest. It’s just not fair to have a one-sided relationship.
So, now when I’m “talking” to someone I take extra care to ask about them and their hobbies.
Another important aspect of reflecting is also thinking about what you didn’t like about that person.
Now that we’re single, we need to acknowledge what we don’t like in a potential partner and what we do like.
Lesson 4: Get Out There
I understand that coronavirus has halted a lot of interaction with friends or family, but this would be a great time to practice talking and getting to know what kind of person you like.
Set up some virtual dates or ‘Netflix and Virtual Chill.’
Be sure to look out for RED FLAGS that can be subtle and flattering sometimes.
Some other safety precautions to take when meeting anyone the first time:
- Send your location to someone you can count on.
- Send your family or friends the name and a picture of whoever your meeting
- Send a selfie to friends or family so they are aware of what you’re wearing
- Invite a friend/couple to join you
- Don’t get in their car
- Don’t go anywhere private with them until you have met with them multiple times in public
- Bring any tools for self-defense (i.e. pepper spray, brass knuckles, pocket knife, car alarm)
One thing for any girls that wear glasses or contacts. Instead of wearing my glasses on dates, I typically wear my contacts. I’m severely blind and I don’t want to risk him taking my glasses leaving me almost helpless.
Another great option is to stay single or just focus on your own life and if a relationship happens then so be it.
As I said before, staying single for this long just happened, trust me I tried to get out there, but sometimes life just happens (COVID for example). I’ve dated here and there, it just never stuck.
For now, I plan to just focus on my own mental health and build a life for myself so that I don’t have to rely on anyone else for happiness.
Which is what being single should really be about -finding yourself again and having fun with your life.
So, if you’re newly single, I challenge you to stay single and build a better, happier version of yourself without being in a relationship. Give yourself the glow-up that you DESERVE.